God is not good because our outcome is. Our outcome will eventually and inevitably be good because our God is.Jordan Smith, “He’s Not Done” blog post
I woke up this morning dripping with gratitude.
I didn’t sleep much the night before because my precious newborn baby boy needed to be fed multiple times. I was tired, my hair hadn’t been washed in days. The house was a disaster because my three year old had played unhindered the whole day before. It was a mess. The mess I wept in prayer for.
I wrote in a previous blog post, He’s Not Done , about the sad news of the miscarriage I had last year. It was achingly painful, and if I’m being completely honest, I still feel like I have some PTSD from it all. BUT, it has not all been darkness. There has been light, and hope, and joy here too. God was not scared off by the painful season I walked through. He was consistent and present through it all. Even when I wasn’t.
“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” Psalm 139:11-12 (NIV)
In that blog post I wrote that, “If it’s not good, God’s not done.” Those words were written in faith that He would not leave me there.
This morning when I looked around at the beautiful chaos around me, I realized I was standing in the finished work of grace. I was living out an answered prayer.
January 19th, 2022, I walked into the hospital for a miscarriage. And in perfect, punctual, evidence of God’s love, on January 19th, 2023, I walked into that same hospital to deliver my healthy baby boy. He was born the next day, after a labor and delivery filled with ease and peace.
I don’t understand what happened a year ago. I don’t know why it happened to me, or if there was something I could have done to stop it. The questions didn’t get answered, and the tears still flow when I recall those days. But I have come to realize that God is not afraid of our doubt. Rather, all the more pleased by our faith in spite of it.
I wrote out the beginning of my testimony before the resolution had come. I am so grateful today, to be able to write out the rest of it. God was good, just as He promised. He was present in every single second. He was faithful when I was not. He was stronger than my adversary. He fought for me when I could not fight for myself.
I’m thankful now, that I didn’t quit. I wanted to. I thought about it. Ultimately, I came to conclusion or the question, rather, of “Where else am I going to go?”
If I ran from God, where would I run to? If I hid from Him, where would I hide? And if my anger just engulfed me, could He still lift me out?
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” Psalm 139:7-10(NIV)
I had to lay down a lot of what I thought to be true. I had to undo and unravel the way I thought things had to go. I was forced to release all control and free fall. It felt like the depths. The far side of the sea. But His hand held me tightly. His grip never let go.
And now I read verses like Psalm 135:15-16,
“My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
And I cry at the purity and truth of it. Because I read those exact same words when going through the middle of the miscarriage feeling like I was on the losing side of redemption. Like all the promises I’d banked my life on had somehow fallen through.
Yet now, once again, the words are life and truth.
Which tells me that the Bible is not true because our circumstances line up with it. Our situations are going to change. There will be sorrow and singing, mourning and joy. But God’s Word is eternal. It’s firm and unchanging.
So even when life makes reading the Bible feel like it just doesn’t work- keep reading. Because a new day will come. You’ll wake up standing in the truth of those faithful promises. I don’t know how He does it, but God always makes it good.